Teacher's Day

Thought of this on 5th Sept - teacher's day - but did not get round to writing it -so here goes......
Teacher's day .. should I not record my gratitude to all who played a role in teaching me... the first thoughts were the obvious ones..the ones that are officially called a teacher ... so it was vague memories of the dedicated nuns in Mount Carmel Convent Rourkela, its so sad I do not remember their names .

 Then the same apostalic Carmel sisters of Providence Women's College at Calicut . I still remember Sr Ambrosia head of Zoology dept. , the Zoology  lecturers Ms Jayashree, Ms Bibi, Ms Maya who taught English etc.

I was one of those "Good"students thanks to the interest these teacher's instilled in me. Should have pursued specialisation in Zoology that was where my interest lay. But those were impressionable age somehow got side tracked into doing my MBA at CUSAT. I do not think the course really inspired me though there were good teachers there too, Dr Pylee, Prog Parameswaran etc but except for the closeness to the batch mates with whom I keep in touch with, the institute does not draw on my heartstrings as  does the MCC and PWC.
Wonder why?

Once that obvious list of teachers are recollected , I realise that probably a host of teachers post formal education actually played a far more influencing role in my life.

There were the various bosses in the three organisations I worked in Apollo Tyres, National Dairy Development Board and Ashok Leyland. From some I learnt how Leaders should  be from others how not to be. Both categories play an important role and I believe they come into ones life with a specific purpose .
If I were to name just one it would undoubtedly be Dr Amrita Patel currently Chairman NDDB,who was and remained my role model all through my professional life.

The participants of various workshops I conducted , though I was the teacher there, yet  numerous lessons I have learnt from them on the floor of the workshop, from their questions , from their responses, from their life experiences.

There have been  the various family members and friends, each person has been a teacher. Whether I enjoyed the relationship at that point in time or not, in retrospect I believe they came into my life as there were lessons about life that still had to be learnt. Even if the lesson was painful it was important for me to learn that lesson.

The authors of the various books I have read , being an avid reader I cannot name all of them, but their thoughts have moulded me as a person.

Then there was that on the spur of the moment walking into Anna University to listen to a talk by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev. Never been to any such talks before , never heard of Sadhguru JV , just saw a poster as I stepped out of office. Anna Univ. was en route to office so stepped in to listen and was drawn into ISHA .
That was an important changing point in life. Rather late in life, but that's when I started having a true perspective of life.

Last but not the least my parents, how could anyone not be influenced by those in whose care one took those first few baby steps in life!

On Teacher's Day specially and on all other days too my deepest gratitude for the role you played in my life.
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me, sometimes I have been a poor student sometimes good. Even in those situations were I was slow to learn, later in life I have realised the significance of those lessons .

Thank you all.

Ashtami Rohini

Vishu

Onam festival

Not being much of a cook my contribution to ONAM festival stops with the pookalam, these are day 1 and day 10 pookalams

This one was at office some years back

Last years day 10

you 'll see it when you believe it

"'Observe a tree and contemplate the intelligence within or behind that tree that allows it to function perfectly in form .The leaves come and go, the sap drips out, it flowers when it is supposed to .It is much more than simple form . It contains a life force that makes it alive . We cannot see that life force , but it is very real."

These words of Wayne Dyer is what comes to my mind as I sit in my balcony and watch this Gulmohar tree I planted 8 years back. It's in full bloom this year . It did not bloom for 6 years, last year I actually stood in the balcony and talked to it , anyone watching would have thought I am mad ( Probably I am :) ). I kept pleading with it to bloom , goading it saying so many other gulmohars in town were blooming profusely and here was one big tree, which I planted,watered, put manure, talked to and not a flower! The very next couple of days, a few buds appeared and the week after the first sign of at least a dozen flowers. This year as you can see it's in  full bloom.

31 st March 2012

I have been mentally preparing myself for this for the last one year.Slowly letting myself let go of the need to be involved too much in the activities in the office.It was not easy but I knew I had to do it, if I did not want to get into deep pit of depression like last time - when I left my previous job without another job on hand.

Despite that I broke up on that last day...the day on which I retired.

The first month was bad, took its toll on me. Have now reconciled to it to a large extent.Still have not picked up the courage to go one day to office and just say hello to colleagues..worried I'll start missing office once again.

The logical part of the mind tells me I am being ridiculous but the heart is not too strong.Have started doing freelance training once in a way that seems to be helping. But I am conscious that I should not make that another career and then go through the same trauma when that too has to be stopped.

Looks like i need to go back to my practice of yoga to bring some balance to my life.

satyamev jayate

The episode on senior citizens I could not watch till the end. I will download and watch one of these days. Just could not go beyond the story of the mother staying in a home for elders, where her son left her before going to the US.. her belongings in a suitcase refusing to unpack as she expects the son to come back any time to fetch her..she has been waiting for three years....just don't want to believe there are sons and daughters like that........

satyamev jayate

I was wondering as I watched the episode on manual scavengers at the number of people who when asked whether they felt differentiation based on caste existed denied it.Then I remembered that perhaps I would have also responded like that had i been asked the question many years back. Having lived in Rourkela,Orissa,a Steel township , during schooling, where people from all over India resided , I was aware that I was from Kerala  since we went there for summer holidays.
When I had to fill up a form for college admission is when I had to fill up religion and caste. I knew religion was Hindu as I recall there was  an instance of a Hindu Muslim riots sometime when i was in school. Beyond that a caste was something I had not heard of, so I asked my dad, he said there were sub sects under Hindu and I could fill ezhava which I did . Only after joining a college and a hostel in Kerala I came to know that ezhava was considered a level below the Nair community. Did not think it was a big deal, as no one treated me any differently than the others.

Then I go fall in love and it turns out the guy is a Nair, all hell breakout at home. My mom considered falling in love a crime and to top it a Nair boy. I was told how I would be ill treated as amongst the Nairs the Nambiars, to which community the guy belonged was considered a wee bit more superior. Thats when I discovered there were many more sub sects than I knew! Anyway the marriage happened and no one treated me inferior nor did I feel inferior.

Worked in various places in Delhi, Mumbai , Gujarat , there the only classification that seemed to matter was that I am a Madrasi ! It did not matter whether you hailed from Kerala, Tamil Nadu , Andhra Pradesh or Karnataka, you were a Madrasi. You explain there are 4 states south of the Vindhyas and that  you are from a place called Kerala . A couple of times that explanation got me the strangest of questions " If you are from Kerala how is it your hair is straight ?" I did not have an answer to that except that my mother and grandmother too have straight hair!

Then I took up a job in Chennai to discover, here is a city where caste is uppermost on many minds. Somewhere in every conversation Brahmin -  non Brahmin  creep in as also  Iyer vs Iyengar .One is openly asked what one's caste is in a corporate set up too, where the average person is a professional either an engineer or an MBA.I do not know if it is true or just a story, but considering the importance the subject seems to have, it is likely to be true. The story goes that there was a dispute between two communities about the temple elephants caste as depicted by the way the ash was to be smeared on its forehead! 

By now every job application would have the religion and caste columns which I knew how to fill. Then my daughter had to fill her application for college ( her school thankfully did not ask for caste) Now we were in a fix, does she fill up her father's caste or mine or mention it as a hybrid variety! So then I discover what is relevant is only the father's caste, so I  come out as inferior not only in caste, also on account of my gender an inferior parent too!So now my daughter too is aware there are castes and that it has a heirarchy !

Jokes apart what justification is there for  people to go through such humiliation on account of some man made segregation of roles in society , which later developed into a birthright. It is pathetic,the case of the lady who went through such a torturous journey to educate herself and even after having acquired a PhD despite the odds against her, instead of being admired still has to face discrimination to get a house on rent. The little boy has a smile on his face despite choosing to forgo lunch at school as he has to sit apart from others because he belongs to a caste considered low. It was so heart rending..What are we doing to ourselves? Who is responsible for this to be continuing, despite all the progress we have made?The anger in the eyes of the gentleman fighting for over two and half decades to get manual scavenging stopped, that too despite a law being passed on this more than a decade ago, is so justified.

I do agree the long term solution is inter caste , inter religion marriages, once there is a total mixing of blood no one will know which caste they belong to. Until that day what?

Thank you Amir, at least someone is doing something about it now.

wonder why...

Why do we celeberate women's day? I really wonder why ? I believe it is over a hundred years since we celeberated women's day. 101 times we have celeberated ...celeberated what? Does it make a difference to women of this world or humanity at large that such day is earmarded for celeberation? Who should be celeberating, just the women? Who are the women who celeberate it ? The ones in corporate offices , soft ware firms , Banks etc.And what do we do ? Talk about the women achievers and who are the achievers the ones who became a CEO, the first Prime Minister, the IG of Police , a Chief Justice What about the Sharmila languishing in northeast, what about the RTI activist shot dead in her car?
What about the the unsung , unknown hundreds batteling poverty , trying to make ends meet, struggling as domestic help in urban areas, what about the ones that trudge miles to carry water from parched surroundings,what about the little girls married off to old men off shore, what about those pursued and killed because they married outside their caste/ community, what about the ones that fall victim to lust of men in positions of power ? What do they have to celeberate ? Wonder why ... I celeberate women's day... and what am I celeberating...what is accomplished by the celeberation...yet I celeberate year after year.Wonder why.... 

BSP

The pain,the hurt

The tears I've shed

Know no limit

Years passed me by

But , no answers to , WHY ME ?

The question without answer

Was the reason for more tears

For the poor me

Until I witnessed and heard

the tales ,the tears ,

Of hundreds like me,

The same pain,the same hurt,

They shed the same tears,

and some more tears

as they asked the same question

Why me?

That silenced me

for then it dawned

The question to be asked

Is not WHY ME ?

But WHY NOT ME ?

2001

samayama

Samayama was an ethereal experience
A string of unending hallucinations
A snake at times, sometime two entwined ones
A sea gull soaring over in the serene skies
Floating over forests with a birds eye view
Of sages in meditation amongst the woods
Sometimes the whisper of the gentle wind
Wailing and crying , rolling with laughter
There were so many of me around
The observer, the observed,
The experiencer, the experience
And all this amidst the roars of the lions and jackals
Then one morning, I know not which
I had lost count as night followed day
I was waiting on my breath
Body swaying to music
Small little quivers ran up the spine
Parked themselves in a knot between my shoulders
As the drums beat, they beat upon my pulsating crown
Every note strummed was strum on my crown
The drums reach a crescendo
My crown reaches out to the skies
I was connected to the vast void beyond
Twirling hum was all pervading
I went still, connected by an umbilical cord
Layer after layer of me evaporated
Then there was no me
Only the gentle hum of the universe
The sound of silence
Nothing before this nor after
Ever came close to this
The fuzzy mind cleared, blurred vision cleared
Wobbly legs steadied, swaying body still
All that remained was the Sound of Silence
Night followed day but I was still
No more hallucinations , no more experience
My crown yearns for that umbilical cord
My ears yearn for the hum of the universe
My body yearns for that moment of non-existence
My heart yearns for your Grace Sadhguru
Fill me with your breath, that I may forever be
One with the Sound of Silence

Bavaspandana

Resonance,vibrancy,mellowness,

richness,fullness,hollowness,

I felt it all.

Did not know where it came from

Or where it lead me on.

Head vs. Heart the struggle had been on

Part of me wanted to know

The Why , The Where ,The How

The stuggle went on .

Till the head surrendered

and let the heart lead on.

Where i did not know nor care

Did it matter why or where?

The need to know was gone.

As the questions ceased,

There was void

There was silence

Not a murmur

Not a stir

Only Silence.

2002

Sadhguru

Why am I drawn to you?

I 've tried to resist this pull

Tried to nip it in the bud

But something within me

Pushes me on

I have no words to describe

Nor a name to give

This strange feeling within

Is there a life other than this?

A relationship of another lifetime ?

Is that it?

Will realisation of what this is

Ever dawn?

Or will this uncertainty

linger on?

That twinkle in your eye

That smile on your face

That moment I broke down

At a glance from you

That haunting voice

Those haunting words

I WILL BE WiTH YOU IN MORE WAYS THAN YOU KNOW

They live in me

As this Strange feeling within.

2000

Samayama like Sadhguru is unpredictable as far as my limited experience goes. Sadhguru in his talks makes a profound statement; its impact is still sinking in and pat comes one of the most outrageous jokes! My two experiences of Samayama are such a contrast too.
Last year's Samayama was my first experience. I was all keyed up, I had heard how difficult it was, how much your limbs would pain, how much of ' moove ' was to be stocked etc. The legs did pain, the knees did protest, but what took the cake, the baker and the bakery too were the weird things that it did to me. I lost count of the days, I could not open by eyes beyond a slit, my arms were perpetually getting entwined, and it was as though a dense cloud had descended where my brain used to be! I was crying desolately without reason one day only to be laughing my guts out the next. Humming away one day and making vain attempts to fly the next. The flitting across hills and valleys stopped only with the drums. The drums stilled me and as they reached a crescendo I felt myself shed my body and become the beat of the drums.
It is with this background that I came for the next Samayama this year, thinking that this time I knew what to expect! Day one, day two, day three and I were wondering what I was doing wrong. Except for the sob that escaped me when I saw the tears in Sadhguru's eyes as he welcomed the large gathering, there was not a tear, no laughter, no floating no flying, no humming, ' no thing '!
It was only on day four I reconciled to the fact that this Samayama was a different experience an experience of nothing! My body and mind was still I would not get startled with Sadhguru's "hey ". No

emotions, very few thoughts, just the constant sensation on the crown of the head, at times on the forehead and just once a powerful swirl at the pit of the throat. But for that it was silence, void emptiness all the way.
The first Samayama was full of experiences, packed with sensations of body and mind, the second was full too but full of what? I do not know all I can say is it was full with nothing!
Perhaps I was distracted ,I was physically ill , or maybe it was my mind it was expecting the previous experience or was it because I had just lost my mother .....no idea ...wonder why...

SSY

The way the concept was drilled in
It’s a neural path in my brain that is deeply etched
Whatever happens, whoever happens
There is no more the helpless plea
‘Why did this happen to me’
‘Why did so and so say this or that’
Now it is always, what did I do or not do
To have this happen.
Thought it would be a burden.
But to the contrary, it is liberating
Sets you free, for another is not
The cause of your pain.
You have only yourself to question
It’s an inward journey for which
You are the river, the oar,
The boat, the boats man,
No one to blame no, one to question.
Unquestioned freedom.